Michigan Business and Executive Coaching Blog

Ten Ways to Listen Actively and Improve Your Relationships

January 30, 2012 By Barry

This post is an excerpt from my upcoming workbook on Masterful Relationships.

“You ain’t learnin’ nothing’ when you’re doin’ all the talkin’.”

– Lyndon B. Johnson

People want to be listened to, respected, and understood. Listening draws people to you: value them and what they have to offer.

Knowing what people need and want are the keys to understanding them. Anyone can take the time and make the effort to do this.

Demonstrate a positive attitude and genuine interest. Look for areas of common interest and go slowly to avoid being perceived as too aggressive or pushy.
People love to contribute. Let them share their thoughts and ideas. Be impressed and interested not impressive and interesting.
Be fully present. Look at the speaker and make good eye contact. Be fully present.
Don’t interrupt. Use silence to give others the full opportunity to express themselves. “It’s just as rude to step on other people’s ideas as it is to step on their toes.” (Robert L. Montgomery)
Ask open ended questions and show your interest. Let others do 80% of the talking. When you ask for someone’s wisdom, advice or experience you’re creating the foundation for a potential relationship.
Always allow others to finish explaining their points of view, ideas, or conviction before offering your own. Avoid “one upping” or trying to “out do” their ideas.
Avoid jumping to conclusions. Most people have a fundamental desire to be understood and appreciated. We all want to know that what we think and believe matters.
Use reflective listening or mirroring. This means using the exact or paraphrased wording of the other person to verify that you have gotten the message. It demonstrates you are truly listening.
Show people how much you care and ask questions in a non-threatening way. You’ll be amazed by how much they’ll tell you.
Use layering. This means taking a piece of the other person’s answer and weaving it into your next open-ended question. It helps you to have a deep and meaningful conversation.

If you’d like to receive my new workbook straight to your inbox when it’s released, please put your email address in the box in the sidebar. You’ll be sent my current workbook, Masterful Networking, straight away.

Why Your Resolutions Often Fail – And What You Can Do to Succeed

December 16, 2011 By Barry

90 – 95% of New Year’s Resolutions fail.

Whether we’re trying to save more money, lose weight or stop smoking, we run into difficulties. That’s because these things have created other habits in our lives.

This year, rather than saying “New Year’s resolution”, you might want to call your goal a “New Year’s promise” – this has a greater level of integrity. Give your word and keep your word … but to fewer things.

Building a New Habit

It requires discipline to keep to a resolution and build a new habit. (Once the habit is ingrained, it becomes easy.) Instead of trying to do everything at once, choose only one or two major resolutions at any one time, then work on them for at least two or three months. Then you can pick another one or two.

To be more disciplined, you need to take poor choices away. Keep cookies and ice-cream out of the house: if it’s not there and you really want it, then go to the store.

If you can, make the “right” choice automatic. If you want to save more money, set up a regular payroll deduction so that the savings are made automatically without you having to take any action.

Breaking Old Patterns

We have to break patterns so that new worlds will emerge.

How motivated are you? How desirable is that change? Do you genuinely want it … and do you truly have the ability to do it? Without the motivation and ability, no amount of support will help.

Look for two key levels of support:

Social support
Structural support

Social Support

Family, friends and colleagues can all help to encourage you towards your goals. Accountability is a powerful force – if you tell people what you’re going to do, you’re more likely to stick with it.

Look for innovative ways to use this social support: e.g. “If I don’t keep to this, I’ll pay you $1,000…”

Structural Support

Organize things to maximize your chance of reaching your goal.

Some people hire personal chefs or get food services to deliver portion-controlled, nutritionally-balanced meals to their home. This isn’t overly expensive compared with going to a restaurant – perhaps $5 – $10 per meal.

One New Year’s Resolution Examined: Losing Weight – Successfully

Over two-thirds of Americans are overweight and obese, making “losing weight” a very common New Year’s resolution.

You may have tried and failed to lose weight before. If the behavior you engaged in before didn’t work, then change it. If you’re doing a certain type of exercise and not losing weight, then you need to change your routine, and look at the foods you’re eating.

It takes a 3,500 calorie deficit to lose one pound. To lose weight, you need to exercise and burn extra calories, or you need to take fewer calories in: ideally, you’ll do both.

These tips can help:

Out of sight, out of mind: don’t keep candy dishes around the house during the holidays. Put food away and out of sight. Empty out the candy stash in your office drawer.
Work on your goal as part of a community, e.g. at your office. Many offices will have a weight-loss challenges and regular weigh-ins together. They may have a personal trainer come in a couple of days a week and run exercise classes at work.

Don’t get hung up on achieving the “perfect” figure. You may simply need to be happy with who you are and what you have. If you exercise and eat fairly well, then accept your natural shape.

If you’re interested in improving your health, take the free real age test online: this lets you look at different factors that can make you more youthful and vibrant.

Help and Support with Your Resolutions

It can be tough to make changes on your own. If you want to improve your professional life or personal life, take a look at my coaching services or contact me with any questions. I would be delighted to help you to take new strides in 2012.

“I heartily recommend Barry for any individual or organization that wants to realize their potential.” – Ted Canaday.

Four Simple Tips for Healthy Eating During the Holidays

December 6, 2011 By Barry

“Healthiness” isn’t a black-or-white, all-or-nothing scenario. You can still eat healthily during the holiday season – without avoiding networking events and parties.

Tip #1: Avoid attending events when you’re ravenous

Grab a piece of fruit, a few crackers or even just a glass of water before you leave the house. It doesn’t look good when you go to an event and gorge – and it’s not great for your health either.

Tip #2: Use a small plate at buffets

If you’re at a buffet or similar, place the food on the smallest plate you can: you’ll have a satisfyingly “full” plate. Try to make half the plate healthier choices – like vegetables, fruits, even nuts.

Tip #3: Try eating a small piece of dessert first.

If there’s something chocolate (especially dark chocolate) or similar that you fancy, go for that. The fat in the chocolate helps to give you a feeling of satiation and satisfaction.

Tip #4: Eat more slowly than usual

Give your food time to digest: it takes twenty minutes for your brain to register that your stomach is full.

If you’re currently overweight, unfit, or unhealthy, you may need to make big, radical changes in your lifestyle in order to achieve healthiness. Sadly, it’s not easy to change. “Change or Die” in Fast Company magazine found that the odds were nine to one against change – for people who had a serious, life-threatening condition.

In order to succeed, you need to:

Get as much social support as you can: from friends, colleagues, family, personal trainers and so on. Ask them to hold you accountable.
Build in structural support – remove unhealthy foods containing trans fats and high-fructose corn syrup from your home. Stock up on fruits and vegetables.

Don’t wait until the New Year to start eating more healthily: you can begin now.

Think about an upcoming holiday event that involves food – perhaps a family meal or a work buffet. Which tips will you implement in order to ensure that you make healthy choices?

Thanksgiving: What Are You Grateful for?

November 22, 2011 By Barry

People who appreciate what they have and who they are seem to be far happier than those who constantly strive for more.

Whether or not you celebrate Thanksgiving, take a few minutes to consider what you’re grateful for today.

One way to be happier long-term is to keep a gratitude journal or log-book. Look at each day through a pair of imaginary “gratitude glasses” that let you look at your world and examine the smallest things, as well as the bigger things, that you’re grateful for.

You might think about:

Your health
Your relationships
Your political freedom
Little moments in your life

Expressing Your Gratitude

It’s important to say thank you – to be gracious and appreciative about people’s gestures and deeds, both at work and at home. Simply saying “thank you” or writing a quick email makes it clear that you notice the efforts people make.

You can go further than that, though. Write regular thank you notes – see these as a once-a-day vitamins! Keep a stack of notecards nearby so that you can easily send a quick note when you go through your day wearing the “gratitude glasses”. Send a physical note, not just an email, whenever someone has performed some significant act for you.

In Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages, one way of expressing love is “acts of service” and another is “words of praise and acknowledgement”. Make sure that you respond to other people’s acts of service appropriately, by thanking them and acknowledging what they’ve done: this helps improve your relationship.

What could go in your gratitude journal (or log) today? Who could you delight with a thank you note?

Be Happier in Your Career by Finding and Expressing Your True Values

November 2, 2011 By Barry

If you’re going in the wrong direction, derailing yourself intentionally is very difficult – but very worthwhile.

During the current economic troubles, many people’s plans have been derailed – and perhaps this has happened to you too. If so, see it as a time of excitement and opportunity: a chance to re-explore the question of what you were meant to do.

Alternatively, you may be carrying on in a role that hasn’t suited you for some time, if ever. Perhaps it’s time to do something different.

When people are doing what they’re meant to do, most of them have a big grin on their face. Do you? Consider this: How you spend your day and who you spend it with is your life.

Perhaps you feel that you have to spend your day around people who you’d rather not be with. Ask yourself: If I knew I couldn’t fail, what would I do?

What Are Your Values?

Our core values rarely change – they’re constant throughout our lives. We can bring them to any situation and examine where and how they could be expressed.

Here are some questions you could ask yourself, based on my own core values:

What actions could you take to enjoy better health?
How could you show more integrity?
Where could you be more courageous?
What opportunities exist to build extraordinary relationships in your life?
How can you model greater leadership at work and at home?

Look at your skills and passions, and ask yourself how your values could be expressed through these. How could doing this be a catalyst for a new career opportunity?

If you’d like to receive regular updates from my blog straight to your feed reader, you can get the RSS feed by clicking here.

Extra Reading: Three Posts You May Have Missed

October 4, 2011 By Barry

I have had several guest posts published on large self-improvement websites. You can follow the links here to catch up with recent ones:

Why You Need a Pre-Emptive Strike Against Interruptions on Work Happy Now

This post explains the concept of a “pre-emptive strike” in business terms, and shows you how to use these effectively to avoid interruptions.

You may have certain high-maintenance employees and co-workers who tend to interrupt a lot and ruin your momentum. Maybe you get a phone call, or they pop into your office – however the interruption comes, it breaks your flow. This is when a pre-emptive strike is warranted.

Four Steps to Change Your Life – With Books on Dumb Little Man

Can books really change your life? Yes – if you use them correctly. In this post, I explain how to do that in four simple steps.

As a coach, educator and self professed life-long learner, I believe that books are one of the very best bargains around – with years of experience and best practice crammed into a $20 package.

Take the Stress Out of Your Small Business – Today on FeelGooder

If you run your own business, you may well experience considerable stress. This post explains how you can redesign your environment, and how you can avoid and manage stress.

You have the opportunity to design your environment. That means asking yourself:

What do I want to do more of?
What do I want to do less of?
What do I want to start doing?
What do I want to stop doing?

Take the time to read one (or more!) of these posts today. If you would like to receive regular posts from me, you can get RSS updates from my blog straight to your feed reader by clicking this link.

How to Say No – Without Damaging Your Relationships

September 21, 2011 By Barry

A “no” uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a “yes” merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

– Mahatma Gandhi

One of the biggest reasons why people don’t like to say no is because they don’t want to damage a relationship.

There’s a great book called The Power of a Positive No by William Ury. The basis of this book is that there has to be an underlying yes that causes you to say no. The book gives a three-step process:

Step #1: Uncovering your “yes”

What’s the “yes” that you’re committed to, or that you believe in, or that you’re passionate about? This might be your family, your health, your well being, or doing work that you love.

In order to find a “yes”, it’s really important to understand our values, our beliefs, our commitments and our priorities. If we understand those things, we can make decisions that fit with them. Sometimes, that requires us to say “no” – but it also allows the person on the other side of the “no” to understand our reasoning.

Step #2: Empower your “no”

Use your “yes” as a reason and a justification to help you recognize that “no” is an appropriate response.

Saying “no” is about being present to what matters – and if we don’t say “no”, it costs us.

Step #3: Find an alternative “yes”

Decline the request gracefully, and instead of just saying “no”, offer an additional option or suggestion to help the person solve the problem, without you necessarily being involved.

When I have to say “no” to someone, I acknowledge that the request that they’re making does appear important, valuable, useful and/or relevant. I share the circumstances that prevent me from helping, or that have me make a different choice.

Observe your unhealthy yes’s and unhealthy no’s and reflect on what works and what doesn’t work. For instance, you might know that you need seven hours sleep to be your best, so you don’t want to say “yes” to a friend’s request to have another drink in the evening.

Take a moment to think about the things that you want to say “yes” to in your life. Is there anything that you need to say “no” to, as a result of these?

My Favorite Quote – And Why

September 7, 2011 By Barry

“When patterns are broken, new worlds will emerge.” – Tuli Kupferberg

For me, this quote demonstrates why coaching works and why it’s such a powerful force in our world today.

This quote also works in reverse: by identifying new worlds we want to pursue, we find the capacity to break old patterns.

As a coach, I work with clients to identify their current world, and to identify the world of the future that they’re committed to. This commitment provides leverage and motivation so that they can change what they’re doing and break away from those old patterns. It helps them to be self-accountable and to self-manage. My role is simply to remind them of their commitments and their values.

What old patterns do you want to do less of, or to stop?

What new worlds do you want more of, or to start?

Seven Stress Management Techniques for the Workplace

August 24, 2011 By Barry

In every career, you’ll experience moments of stress in the workplace. In order to help reduce this, I recommend trying one or more of the following stress management techniques:

#1: Conduct “standing meetings”. When someone enters your office, stand up to talk to them. This will let them know that you have very limited time. Also, consider conducting a “walking meeting” so that issues can be discussed on the move.

#2: Learn the difference between the “urgent” and the “important” and make time for the latter. Are there any areas of your life that keep getting pushed aside? You won’t just “find” a few spare hours – you have to deliberately plan ahead to set this time aside.

#3: Let your actions spring from your personal goals and values. By living by your values, you’ll lead an authentic life where who you are is strongly connected to what you do. Values are part of the very fabric of our being and are fundamental to what makes us human.

#4: Eat your “elephant” one bite at a time. Break up your big projects into little projects. Turn your little projects into a list of individual tasks. Trying to put your whole “elephant” on one plate will only lead to overwhelm.

#5: Reward yourself for reaching particular goals. This helps to reinforce the behaviors you are developing. Ensure that your rewards don’t undo your hard work (for instance, avoid rewarding yourself for losing 2lbs by eating a large slice of pizza!)

#6: Take regular exercise. That means at least an hour of some moderate activity each day: try exercising first thing in the morning to make sure that you fit it in. You can split this into 20-30 minute segments if you prefer.

#7: Get outside during the day. Fresh air and sunlight are essential to your health and well-being. If you’re cooped up inside all day, especially in winter, the low sunlight levels will depress your metabolism, your energy level and your mood.

High levels of stress can be a symptom of poor time-management skills. To take back control of your time, get a free copy of my ebook Time Management Strategies and Tactics: A Workbook by putting your name and email address in the sidebar (top right).

Podcast on Solo Smarts: 24 Best Practices of Successful People

August 12, 2011 By Barry

I was the guest on the inaugural podcast of Solo Smarts, with Kelly McCausey.

In the podcast, I go through the 24 Best Practices of Successful People (one of my guest posts, on the FeelGooder blog).

During the introduction, I explain how I got started in coaching eighteen years ago, and why I’m affiliated with the International Coach Federation (ICF). I also talk about getting my very first client.

The main part of the podcast begins at the 11.14 mark, where Kelly and I start discussing the 24 Best Practices of Successful People:

Know your core values and design your professional and personal life around them.
Master the art of relationship building.
Identify your “successful” and “limiting” habits
Develop your leadership, management and coaching skills
Always do and be your personal best!
Life balance is bunk. What matters is that you are happy.
Give a little extra in all you do.
Use the power of consistent persistence.
Let others contribute to you. No man or woman is an island.
Take “massive action.”
Learn from your mistakes and be prepared to learn a lot.
Become a masterful networker and build your social capital.
Surround yourself with positive supportive people.
Eliminate or reduce the tolerations in your life
Un-yuck your life by creating a plan for optimal healthy living
Be self-ish. In order to be your best, you need to take care of yourself first.
Be a work-in-progress—always be learning.
Be a giver, a contributor, a person that makes a difference—a coach for others
Take risks and live each day with no regrets.
Learn to manage your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual energy and not just your time.
Know your strengths and use them as much as possible.
Stop working on your weaknesses or find a way to work around them.
Build the creative side of your brain.
Use the 4 magic words- more, less, start, stop.

During the podcast, we explore every item on this list. You’ll get to hear:

In-depth explanations about each point
Clear examples that help you to understand and apply the Best Practices
Some recommendations for further reading

To listen to the podcast, just go to Solo Smarts #1 and scroll down to the audio player (beneath the social networking sharing icons). Click on “Play” to start listening.

To listen to more of my podcasts, go to the Podcasts page on this site.

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